TMZ was the first to report that the pop singer has a “volcanic temper,” and that his inability to control his anger has become too much for Heidi to take, in part because it reportedly affected their children. They may very well have been honest about their love for each other, but dealing with an angry spouse can take a toll on a marriage — even a seemingly strong one.

The reason couples can go on for so long in this situation is that the outbursts are often self-contained and when they are over, they are over. Life goes back to normal. That is, until the next one. But for a while you learn to live between the explosions and focus on the good. However, it eventually comes down to this: in an intimate relationship, everyone ultimately seeks a loving and safe shelter, a place where you can let down your guard and know someone is looking out for you. You want to be able to trust that your partner has your best interests at heart. When one of the partners has frequent temper tantrums, that feeling of safety is slowly etched away. Over time you lose the sense of sanctuary and begin to feel fearful and anxious knowing that at any time your spouse might blow up. If you aren’t in physical harm’s way, you are at the very least in emotional harm’s way. When your spouse rages you feel frightened and upset; you feel that you are being attacked, and often it is hard to understand what is behind the fury. You feel like you are walking on egg shells, afraid that one wrong move can make your partner irascible. That pattern of behavior destroys the foundation of your mutual trust and commitment.

So the question becomes: how long can you live that way? I can only speculate about the havoc Seal’s alleged anger wreaked on their union — and his anger problem is only speculative after all — but I can tell you what I’ve learned over the years with my patients. The first thing to do is put checks and balances in place so that you feel you can gain some control. Wait until the anger has dissipated so you can have a calm conversation. At that time, when things are more peaceful, suggest to your spouse that you put all of his or her complaints into a box and then you can pull them out one by one and talk about them in a rational way. Even more important, though, would be to talk to your spouse about getting outside help. This can be daunting, but it’s necessary; without it, you might skip from learning how to handle conflict in a constructive way to talking instead about getting out of the marriage completely.

It is when your spouse refuses to seek help, or when he or she will get the help but then flat out refuse to change, that you might reach the point of having to decide to take yourself out of the danger zone. All the renewed vows in the world won’t fix that, but hopefully, with help, you can.

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Originally on Huffington Post

There are many ways people try to escape their sadness. Alcohol is a big one. Illegal and prescription drugs are another way. Sometimes the two are mixed which can lead to dangerous consequences as we saw with Locklear. As a result, the substance abuse becomes the problem that is focused on, but what really needs to be looked at is what got her to the place of needing to use it and what is it that she is unable to deal with.

Lots of times we see the troubled behaviors – drinking excessively, using prescription drugs, the rehab visits, the DUIs – as the issue when, in fact, they are the person’s best effort to bury whatever is torturing them. It is in the core of that sorrow where the real complication that is holding them back from moving forward lies. Instead of focusing on what they are doing to block it out, it can be more helpful to look at what is underneath and when it started.

It is hard to know exactly when Locklear’s depression began and what she is working so hard to avoid. With Wagner, it seemed that for a while she was trying to walk down the aisle but, for whatever reason, was unable to get there. Could she be considered a runaway bride even though she had been married before because she may be afraid to remarry after her two failed marriages? I do know that one of the awful things she had to deal with in her past was the betrayal of her second husband Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora when he cheated on her with her best friend Denise Richards. In a situation like that not only are you reeling from the betrayal of your husband but from a best friend as well, leaving you confounded and wondering who can I trust? Sometimes these emotional assaults take their toll not just when they happen but in the future where they can rage on below the surface. As a therapist I see this every day, people soldiering on in the face of upheaval, be it an unfaithful partner or a broken marriage, and for many the aftermath of that event can become too much to handle. It has leveled their foundation, oftentimes destroying their ability to trust themselves let alone another person. In my book How Could You Do This To Me? Learning To Trust After Betrayal, I talk about how so many people get on with it, but they don’t get over it. They try to leave their pain behind but it is always at their heels. The broken trust becomes too much to bear and often they are left scarred. Consequently it feels almost impossible to trust again. Perhaps this is what is keeping Locklear from making another trip to the altar.

In order to avoid the rollercoaster that Locklear and so many others have been on, it helps to appreciate the blow you sustained and not only give yourself time to get over it, but realize you have to take measures to come to terms with what happened and begin to fix the damage. With support you can do this so you can give yourself room to heal from broken trust. This means redefining what you base your trust on, and learning what to look for so you can determine if someone is trustworthy. Then you can avoid jumping into a new relationship before you have gotten over your fear that you will get kicked in the teeth again, and feel safe to trust again.

For Locklear it may be that her fears of the past have became her fences of the present. Hopefully she will get the help she needs to be able to tackle the underlying problems, instead of trying to numb what she is feeling, so that perhaps she can finally be able to stop running. Sometimes the best thing to do is to stand still.

Original article at PsychologyToday.com.

The reason so many couples do start to feel stuck in a boring routine is because there is a strong force that pulls them toward their comfort zone. This could mean staying in on a weekend night, wearing your sweatpants around the house, eating at the same restaurant repeatedly or going to a different restaurant but still ordering the same old dish. Keep in mind that the ingredient that keeps a relationship feeling fresh is change itself, because that is what brings in the new. But most people resist change since it is daunting and can make them feel anxious.

You have to find the balance between the ease of the familiar and the adventure of the unknown. You want to be able to be yourself, but you want to keep your relationship vital. In order to do that, challenge yourself to try new activities and go to new places. It’s fine to have a movie night at home in your pajamas as long as you even it out with a date night that you can both look forward to. Plan at least one occasion in the week where you take the time to look and dress special so that you feel great. That will add to your being excited and looking forward to your time together. In addition to the
experiences, you’ll have the fun of sharing and rehashing the memories they create.

An open package of bread left unattended can quickly go stale. Make sure to keep your love life frisky by giving it the attention it deserves. Brad and Angelina do it — you can, too.

Original article at metro.us.

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The best advice I can give you is to think outside the box. Drop your preconceived notions and go out there with a completely open mind. Everyone typically has their “type” — whether it is tall, short, brown or blond hair, conservative or free-spirited —and thus instantly screens out people who they think aren’t it.

Instead of sticking strictly to what you know you like, be open to someone new and different and give yourself a chance to discover if, in fact, you might find something attractive or appealing in a person you previously would never have given a chance. You might even discover that you like a different “type” more. By increasing your options you will greatly increase your odds.

While doing that, look for and gravitate toward the positive energy — a nice smile, those who show they’re interested by asking questions about you, considerate behavior — rather than focusing on appearance alone.

And at least as important, keep a smile on your face. That’s a green light to starting up a conversation wherever you are — on the train, in a store, at a party. All it takes for chemistry to happen is for two people to simply click, which can begin with a few words. Take the initiative and ask questions. Show interest — and see if it is returned.

The quicker you find a common ground, the faster you are on your way to a new beginning. Welcome the unknown, and see who comes your way.

Read the article by Dr. Greer at Metro.us.