A Message from Dr Greer:
I read every one of your letters and my heart goes out to each of you. I wish I could answer every question personally, but since that’s not possible, I try to pick the ones that will help the most people. Hopefully, even if your letter is not answered, the guidance I share with others will help you too.
If you need some answers right away, my book, Gridlock: Finding the Courage to Move on in Love, Work and Life, is a great starting point. No matter what sort of rut or situation you’re stuck in, this book can help get you back on your feet and moving in the right direction again.
Another resource that many of my readers and patients find helpful is How Could You Do This to Me? Learning to Trust After Betrayal.
If you feel you need immediate help, I urge you to call a counselor.
All best,
Dr Jane Greer
Q: When Is It Time To Move On?
Dear Dr. Greer,
I have been married for eight years. A few years ago my husband cheated on me and we separated for a month. I took him back because he promised he would never do it again. He apologized for the grief he caused me and he really seemed to mean it at the time. The problem is that I just found out he’s cheating again. I really think I have to leave him for good this time. He says she doesn’t mean anything to him and promised he would stop the affair. When I asked him why he did it, he said he “just wasn’t thinking straight,” and that I am over-reacting. He accused me of being willing to throw away our life together. Should I stay with this man?
A: Dr. Greer’s response:
My heart goes out to you. It must have been devastating to find out that your husband was cheating again, especially since he promised he would be faithful after his first affair. It takes a long time to heal from betrayal and before you’ve had a chance to completely recover, you’re faced with itagain. After his first betrayal, it was his responsibility to be honest and faithful so you could learn to trust him again. Whether he cheated because “he wasn’t thinking straight” or for some other reason, it weakened his ability to keep his promise. He’s not helping matters by saying that you are over-reacting. One of the most important steps in rebuilding trust is for him to “own” his actions and show you that he understands the impact his disloyalty has caused you. While it sounds like he partially took this step after the first affair, he seems more interested in sidestepping it this time. Since he didn’t keep his promise to be faithful after the first affair, what is he doing to prove that he will keep his promise this time? The fact that he’s accusing you of “throwing away the life you have together” is irrational and immature. He is the one who is responsible for the consequences of his actions. Unless he is willing to see a counselor with you to find out what’s going on in the relationship and take your pain and anguish seriously by giving you the space and support you need to recover, I would say it might be time to move on. As difficult as it is to end a marriage, if your husband isn’t 100 percent onboard for the process of healing your relationship, moving on is probably your best choice.
Q: Am I To Blame For Being Jealous?
Dear Dr. Greer,
My husband and I recently attended a special dinner hosted by the president of his company. Before, during and after dinner, my husband flirted with a pretty blonde woman at our table, giving her his undivided attention. To make things worse, he wasn’t flirting with me at all. I felt invisible and sick with jealousy. The fact that he had an affair in the past doesn’t make me feel any better about this. When I told him I didn’t like the way he was flirting with the other woman, he said I was paranoid and that I was making something out of nothing. Now what?
A: Dr. Greer’s Response:
Since your husband was flirting with this other woman after he’s already had an affair, I’m not surprised to hear you are upset. By flirting, particularly the way you described it, your husband heightened your anxiety and insecurity and added to your mistrust. Flirting can be a good way for men and women to affirm their attractiveness and feel desirable to the opposite sex. It can actually have a positive effect if both partners bring this energy home and share it with each other to increase the excitement and passion in the marriage. However, in this case, flirting can only lead to more hurt feelings. Your husband needs to wake up and acknowledge that your jealousy is the natural outgrowth of his infidelity. He must accept responsibility for the fact that he is the one who broke your trust. You need to tell him, “My jealousy comes from my feelings of insecurity which were caused by your affair.” This puts the responsibility back on his shoulders and does not permit him to shirk the impact his actions have had on you. Explain that you’re not trying to control him by telling him not to flirt. You are simply asking him to show his attraction to you. Help him to understand that it’s not so much that he’s flirting with other women, but that he’s not flirting with you. Let him know that this is an important partof recovering from his betrayal.
December 28th, 2009
