Updated: Oct 14, 2020
Some people have relationship habits that work to hamper their relationships and cause misery. If you’ve noticed that your relationships tend to grow sour, or end due to actions you did not consciously choose to take, you might want to have a deep look into yourself.
If you want to make a conscious choice to stop sabotaging your relationship, there are some steps you can take. Here are some of the habits that can sabotage your relationship and how to change them:
Dwelling on Insecurities
Everyone has at least one area of their life that they are insecure about. Dwelling on these insecurities can only make them worse.
When you dwell on your insecurities, you give them power over you and you begin to feel inadequate. These feelings of inadequacy will begin to reflect in your behavior and demeanor. You don’t have to consciously choose to portray your feelings of inadequacy; they’ll show in your actions and words.
When you are insecure about your worth, image, or capabilities, you will act diffidently and your partner will pick up on it. Lack of confidence is not an attractive trait.
Being Hang Up on Commitment or Independence
You can’t control how your relationship unfolds. You are two different people and you can’t predict how another person will react to your actions or words. Further, you really never know how a person feels until you ask them and they tell you.
Going into a relationship with set expectations that you want to commit to the person or that you want to maintain your independence will make you hold back from fully expressing yourself in fear of the relationship not unfolding the way you want. When you don’t honestly avail yourself to your partner, you create a barrier between you and them and all you end up doing is sabotaging your relationship.
Fully express yourself. Let your partner know how you feel. If there is something you want, let them know and gauge their response. The only constructive feedback you can act on to grow your relationship is from your partner. Don’t guess your partner’s expectations in your own head then start acting on your own delusions.
The Need to Control Things
Some people have an obsessive need to be on top of everything. With relationships, this can be counterproductive as the best relationships tend to develop at their own pace and grow organically with several ups and downs.
Let go of the need to be in control. Some of the happiest people in the world lead very stoic lives. They calmly accept what life deals them and diligently act with those circumstances to move forward. You shouldn’t worry about the things you can’t control. Worry, after all, hasn’t solved a single problem in the history of mankind.
Blocking Your Feelings
If you’ve been hurt before, you may instinctively try to block your feelings as you try not to get your hopes up in fear that you may be let down once again. It is totally normal to feel this way.
What you need to appreciate, however, is that it is okay to love more than one person over the course of a lifetime and that you can’t build an authentic romantic relationship if you aren’t willing to give and accept love. Feel free to express your thoughts and feelings. Let go of past hurt, and allow yourself to embrace new love.
You Don’t Compromise
If you want to build a successful relationship, you should be willing to make some compromises. A relationship is made up two different people but they become happy romantic partners when their expectations are aligned.
Harmonizing your expectations will take both of you compromising on some things. For example, if you’re planning a vacation–make sure you’re going somewhere where you can both have a good time. Consider an adult-only resort, these are aimed toward couples–giving off a more romantic feel. If you’re going for romance, make sure you aren’t booking at a family-friendly resort, as these resorts are more aimed toward families and kids.
Taking Things Personally
It is not always about you. The tendency to take things personally even when they aren’t will put you at odds with people. You will also be expending a lot of time and energy on pointless conflicts–allow yourself little time to focus on what really matters.
You should also let go of the need to be always right. Focus on what’s good for your relationship and not the originator of the idea even if it makes what you’ve done or proposed wrong.
Take it One Step at a Time
Change is hard, but if you really care about someone, you want to change for the better. It is important that you cultivate an environment where you and your significant other can share your feelings and ideas freely.
This takes time, but make sure your partner knows that you are trying to make yourself better. Your partner will appreciate your efforts, and notice that you are constantly trying to make your relationship work. By following some simple steps, you are likely to significantly improve all of your future relationships.
by Gil Artmoore