Relationship Questions For Dr. Jane Greer

There is no wrong question when it comes to relationships. Sometimes it's not easy to ask intimate questions, and that's why Dr. Jane Greer is here to help. See what others have asked in the past.
 

1. Am I having cold feet? Every time I think about wedding planning, my blood pressure spikes and my anxiety takes over, rendering any potential productivity useless. I’ve accomplished almost nothing for the wedding. Does this mean I’m slowly backing out of my future marriage?


 

Possibly. The question you need to ask is, are you avoiding the wedding tasks and struggling with following through because they’re overwhelming and daunting; even though you may be looking forward to your wedding day, all of the planning elements can take a toll because it requires so much detail and attention. It’s possible that just the planning of the wedding itself is more difficult than you ever anticipated and creating more anxiety for you in being able to pull off the event. Ask yourself if you ever find yourself trying to be perfect? Or is the idea of being married to one person is starting to make you feel restricted? Are you having doubts about your fiancé? Are you focusing on what turns you off about him? If you can distinguish between these two things, you’ll have more clarity about whether you might think about postponing the wedding. It might be time to get some support from friends, family or even a wedding planner in getting the occasion planned. 




2. How do you talk with your tight-lipped fiance about your wedding budget? He hates to talk about anything money related. He keeps telling me he’ll take care of this or that, but I feel like maybe I should be included when we discuss everything we’re spending on our big day. He makes most of the money in the relationship, so does my opinion not really matter. 


My husband is a gossip. He tells his family everything we share privately, and I’m starting to get more and more uncomfortable with it. Help!




 

Now is a good time to use the wedding budget as an opportunity to discuss finances, and how you’d like to plan for your financial future together. You can begin by acknowledging that he makes more money but you’d like to be able to contribute and have input in joint goals. You’d like to be a part of the conversation. Starting with the wedding, you’d like to share what matters to you so that he can let you know what the budget is, or let you know what you can and can’t afford so at least you feel you’re having a say on your very important day. 

 




3. It’s understandable that you’re uncomfortable with it because he’s violating your trust. Let him know that it’s really vital to you to feel that you can trust him when you share intimate and personal information. This creates an intimacy between you. When he discusses this info with family it’s very hurtful and feels like a violation of your bond. Acknowledge that you know he’s close to his family, and you can in fact make a point to let him know what’s okay to talk about with his family. Those things are apart from what you’d like him to just keep between you both. Frame it in a way that you want to trust him and feel safe. If he can’t respect this, you’ll need to edit out what you share, which will create distance between the two of you. Let him know that you’re concerned and worried that, if he can’t keep your confidence, then you’ll need to lessen what you share. 

    

5. My fiance and I have always been pretty adventurous in the bedroom. We’re getting married in a couple of months, but recently he started complaining that I don’t seem as “into it” as I used to be. Truth is, I’m really just tired from my stressful job. He seems to think there’s more to it than that and that I’m "hiding things from him." How do I make myself clear that it’s not him, it's work, and I've got nothing to hide?
    

Is it possible, in addition to work, you're also stressed from wedding planning? The date is coming up and there are a lot of logistics that go into it. Oftentimes, that can raise anxiety. The more anxious we are, the more worn out we are. That's frequently when passion can take a dip. Stress burns out your energy, and it might be depleting you more than you're realizing. Whatever is triggering your stress, it’s important for your fiancé to feel desired by you, so look to prioritize together time for sex by planning it ahead of time, so he will feel connected with you and you both can maintain a shared  feeling of intimacy.


Now that I've had a baby, I hear that Kegel exercises are the best way to get things back in shape down there. What's the best way to do them, and how many repetitions are most effective?

 

The optimal to shoot for doing your exercises is two to three times a day. Start for a hold of three, and eventually work up to a hold of ten when you feel strong enough. If you don’t have the time, try doing the exercises at least once a day or every other day - even if life and schedules get in the way, the idea is to wake your muscles up and get them working. 
    
My relationship with my one-month-old daughter's father is very on again off again. I am really not sure what the future holds for us, and I worry our constant bickering will impact her in some way. Wondering if I should try to arrange separate visitations until we can figure out where our relationship is headed. Thoughts?

 

If you're bickering in front of your daughter, then yes, plan to spend time with her separately. Don't expose her to negative energy and distress. If you can agree to limit your conversations when you're with her to avoid addressing any problem or area of conflict, then you will have that boundary in place and you can spend time with her together. However, if you can't put a lid on the arguing and back and forth, it's better to be apart. 

A couple of weeks ago, my boyfriend of 6 years finally proposed to me (hooray!). However, now that we are beginning to plan our wedding, we have discovered that we have completely different ideas for our ceremony. He wants a big, fancy wedding while I would prefer a small one with just close friends and family. How do we go about reaching a compromise?

 

It's important to find a middle ground. If he's really invested in having a large wedding, the question is, who are the people that matter to him that he really wants to be included? Can he somewhat trim the guest list? Perhaps you can also consider the timing of your wedding - maybe a Sunday afternoon or evening, which is still elegant but less pressure than a Saturday night black tie affair. The important thing is to make room for each other's preferences and find a way to make it not too small, not too big, just making sure it includes the people you both need to be there. 


I am starting to feel like I am not doing an adequate job as a mother because I don’t think I am spending enough time with my baby. I work from 9-6, and when I get home, my daughter Avery is either fast asleep or totally preoccupied with her grandma, who does most of the babysitting while I’m at the office. Is my guilty conscience just getting the best of me, or should I just concede to becoming a full-time mom? If my husband and I stick to a strict budget, we could make it work. Ugh. Torn. 

You're dealing with a guilty struggle that many mothers experience when they're away from their child at work.

Keep in mind that your mom is there to provide hands-on care when you're away. What matters the most for your daughter is the quality of time you spend with her, rather than the actual quantity of time. Have a conversation with grandma and let her know that when you get home, you want some alone time with your daughter. You appreciate all she does, and it's important to have together time with your baby so it can offset the feeling of missing out on mothering. Put a boundary in place so you don't feel like your mom needs to continue taking care of her at night too. This will give you the valuable mom/daughter time you desire and help to ease your guilt at working, without having to give it up.


My parents do not get along with my husband. We only got married a few weeks ago and my husband has been trying his hardest to build a relationship with them. Even though my parents’ interactions with my husband are polite, the tension during visits to their house is unbearable. What should I do?

Do you have any understanding of what your parents' issues with your husband are? That's where to start. Do they disapprove of him? Do they judge him? Is he meeting their standards or expectations of who they want you to marry? Or is it based on his behaviors or actions he has had with them in the past? Perhaps something has upset them and turned them off to him. Have a conversation with your parents to let them know you're aware of their negative feelings and would like to make things more palatable for everybody. To do that, you'd like to know why they're so reluctant to build a relationship with your husband. If in fact they just disapprove, it's important for you to be clear with them that you appreciate that's not who they'd choose, but that's who you chose. Make it very clear to them that you would appreciate their accepting and respecting the person you chose to marry, that in fact it will make you feel cared for by them.

Before my fiance and I met, I had multiple relationships over the years - some being long term and having a significant impact on my life. I’ve always kept the specifics of my past affairs in the dark and for the most part, my partner has respected my confidentiality. However, now that we are planning to get married, he won’t stop bugging me about my former dating life. How do I get the message across that I’d still like to keep some parts of my life private without causing him to get hurt?

Perhaps he feels that, since you'll be married now, it's OK to share everything. Before, he may have felt he didn't have a right to inquire, even if he was just as curious then. The question is, is there a reason you're reluctant to share these relationships? Especially since they had an impact on you. Many people come to marriage having had a variety of past relationships. Your fiance's curiosity is understandable, and unless there's something you're really ashamed about, why not share with him? That's what made you the person you are today. If you're still concerned, maybe share one or two stories where there's nothing really unsettling, in the case where he may be a jealous person. He probably just wants this as a measure of trust between you.


Over the past year or so, my fiance and I have been fighting constantly, and to put it simply, we are on the brink of breaking up. I have suggested that we go to counseling, but he refuses the idea of seeking advice from a stranger. Is there any way to make him understand that this could potentially save our relationship?

 

The easiest way to enlist him in the notion of going to counseling is to explain you're going to acquire tools that will help you listen to each other more effectively, and most importantly learn how to work out your differences in a compatible way that feels fair to both of you. That will hopefully help the fighting diminish. Tell him you understand where he's coming from, but it's not about being told who is right or wrong. It's about learning how to communicate better, together.


Naturally, after the birth of our baby, sleeping has been an utter night nightmare for my husband and I. I initially proposed the idea of taking turns in caring for her each time she wakes up during the night. The plan seemed to be working out fairly well until my husband started making excuses that he needs the sleep since he recently received a promotion at work. I need my sleep too; how do I make this work?

You both need sleep, but the thing about marriage is, not everyone can get their needs met all the time. Sometimes, one person needs to compromise so the other can get what they need. Given the promotion, it’s likely that your husband is feeling the pressure to learn whatever is new in the job and to perform at his best. He is also the primary breadwinner, so right now, his sleep needs to take precedence so he can provide for you and your child. Is it possible to hire a baby nurse one or two nights a week? Or perhaps, he can help out on a Friday or Saturday night when isn’t on the job and has the weekend time to then catch up. 

How do I get my husband to interact with me more? He’s the breadwinner, so I understand he works long hours. But we’ve got a baby on the way and I’d really like some more eagerness on his part to be a part of this pregnancy journey with me! When he gets home, all he does is plop down on the couch and sit on his phone for hours (with the TV on in the background)! What should I do?

It sounds like your husband is exhausted after works and just wants to decompress. I recommend he take a half an hour for personal time when he gets home - time for himself to sit on the couch and be on his phone, or just watch tv. Then, he can hopefully reboot so you can have conversations with him and get him involved in some of the joint plans you're making for the baby. Whether that means talking about what to buy for the baby room, going over weekend plans, reading a baby book together, etc….this way he can feel included and that he’s contributing to these important happenings and decisions you are facing.


My future mother-in-law gets on my nerves. To put it mildly, she’s opinionated and judgemental, and just not my “cup of tea.” But my fiance really wants us to spend more time together and even bought her and I tickets to see a show next month. Now she won’t stop texting me about it and keeps talking about making more plans with me. I’ll go because I know it’ll make my fiance happy. But how do I express that I don’t exactly want to become “BFFs” with his mom without hurting his feelings?

Let your fiance know that you're open to having a relationship with his mom, but you'd like to keep it balanced so that you're not in constant contact with her. That being said, let him know you're going to put some boundaries in place. Perhaps you want to have lunch with her once a month, or a lunch with the three of you every other month. Make a plan for spending time just with her, and then also with the three of you.  If you determine and plan the time you are going to spend with her, it will give you control over it so you don’t feel constantly bombarded by her looking to make plans with you.


My fiance is really good friends with his ex. I’m okay with it because they dated a long time ago and she is married, but he wants her to be a part of our wedding party. This is so mind-boggling not only to me but to my family/bridesmaids as well. They are making me feel weird about it and keep telling me it’s a really bad idea, when I already more or less told my fiance it’d be okay. How do I find a middle ground here?

You're already being open-minded by accepting their enduring friendship. Kudos to you! The wedding party is made up of family and treasured friends. Each gets to pick their own members for the bridesmaids and groomsmen. She is not a dear friend that would warrant her being one of your bridesmaids. Let him know you've thought about it and upon a second consideration, you're not comfortable with this plan. You've been open and understanding, but the people you want in the party are those who are special to you. Since she has a shared history with him, it's fine for her to attend, but to be a part of it feels over the line. To have some perspective, let your fiance know that many people are not even comfortable having their ex attend the wedding at all. It's a big ask on his part.

 

My husband and I are trying to have sex again after baby but I am really dry and it causes me incredible discomfort. I read online that breastfeeding could cause this to happen.  Is this true, and if so, is there anything I can do about it?

You can try some different positions that might make it more comfortable, but if they aren’t then it is time to resort to tried and true oral or manual sex. Instead of thinking that intercourse is the only way to have intimacy, instead think of mutually satisfying each other and sharing your pleasure together.

So, my soon-to-be husband just admitted that, UGH, he had a one night stand with a woman in the first few months of us dating. This was about five years ago and he hasn’t seen or talked to her since, but I’m pretty broken up about it. I don’t necessarily want to call off the wedding, but I’m unsure how to proceed. How can we get that trust back before jumping into actual marriage?

As upsetting as it is to hear this, he's telling this to you now because he probably wants to be completely honest with you now, so as to establish a level of trust with you before getting married - that's why he's being forthcoming about what happened in the past. It was a betrayal, and it's understandable that you feel upset because your trust in him has been broken. It can help to keep in mind that it  was the beginning of your relationship, which can often have blurred boundaries in terms of how exclusive people are or feel that they are. This might have been how he justified his behavior. Sometimes people cheat to affirm that they are making the right choice to be with a certain person, and also they may have different understandings of exclusivity. Use this as a stepping stone to build trust going forward, and encourage him to be open about any feelings that he's having so that he doesn't betray your trust again. Ask him why he thinks it happened and what makes him certain he would not behave that way again, so you have something to solid to hold on to. He’s definitely committed to you now, and he seems to want to be open and honest, so go forward and build on that.


I’m struggling. My fiance is in a line of work that requires him to travel a lot and be away for several weeks or even months at a time. My job doesn’t allow me much vacation time so I can’t go with him. For now, this is okay with me because I’m busy and we communicate well while he’s gone. He loves what he does, but I’m just a little bit concerned that once we’re married, he won’t have much time for us to start a family. We both want kids fairly soon and I’m worried he won’t be there for us in the capacity we’ll need. I know I need to have a conversation with him about this before we get married, but I have no idea where to start. 

 

The best way to begin is by establishing a way of staying connected that works for the two of you, even when you're physically apart. Develop a rhythm to remaining  regularly in touch with each other. Daily phone calls in the morning? Texts throughout the day? An email? Get into a consistent style in terms of talking and sharing with each other regularly. Some people find that facetiming and /or skyping either first thing in the am, before going to bed, or both strengthens their connection and keeps them feeling close despite the distance between them. This will tremendously help dilute the physical absence. As far as what's going to happen when you have kids, you have a certain amount of time before tackling that. Get married, see what happens. Circumstances change, and it’s possible that at that time this may not still be an issue. 


I noticed that after breastfeeding that my boobs don’t look the same way they used to, and I’m worried that this is going to mess up my sex life. My husband hasn’t said anything about it, but I guess I’m just a little paranoid. Is there anything I can do to to get them back to where they were?

There are certainly exercises you can do and creams on the market that may be a quicker fix. The other option is breast augmentation, but that's something you'll want to discuss with your doctor. If your husband is still attracted to you and finds you sexy, your new boobs aren't going to mess up your sex life. In all likelihood, he doesn't even mind! 

A few weeks ago, I went to Italy with my fiance to visit his family. His grandmother made a speech our first night there that included a plea to us to start a family soon. She said she fears that if we wait, she will be too and frail to travel back to the U.S. Although I do want kids in the next few years, I’m a bit intimidated by the pressure. My fiance, on the other hand, seemed much more freaked out by her comments. What if this sudden pressure scares him off? How do I tell him we can wait until he’s ready? I’m really nervous to approach this conversation.

This is a great opportunity to start working as a team, dealing with matters that require joint decisions. By talking about it together, both of you will feel calmer because you're supporting each other. Begin the conversation by saying to your fiancé, "It's really nice that your grandmother wants us to start a family so soon, but don't you think it's important to do this when the timing works for each of us respectively?" By saying this, you're approaching the issue with a question that can lead to an open conversation. Also, you are conveying your concern about his grandmother’s request, and enlisting his involvement to join you, going forward on your terms as a couple.

 

Recently, my fiance told me she’s thinking of investing in a new car. Granted, her current car keeps breaking down, but I’m a little worried / irritated she wants to make such a big purchase like this right now. We’ve really been trying to budget for our wedding, which we’re paying for ourselves, and it’s only 6 months away! If she actually gets this new car, we’re going to have to cut back on a lot of things for the wedding. How do I tell her we can’t afford this right now? 

 

Rather than telling your fiancé that she can't get the new car that she wants, which could make her feel angry and/or resentful, instead work with facts and figures directly. Show her the  budget you’ve been working with for your upcoming wedding expenses. Then, ask her if she can make a budget for her own personal expenditures, that you can then both work with to pick and choose financial priorities. Just like ordering from a menu, let her see that if she makes one decision, it may exclude getting or doing something else. Or choosing to put something on hold for the time being. If she gets the car, then you might not be able to take the exact honeymoon that you're planning. Let her be involved, let her be a participant in making financial decisions that affect both of you; this will offset her feeling controlled by you.

My mom, sister, mother-in-law, and sister-in-law are all very unhappy with my decision to breastfeed my baby who is now 7 months old. Every time the subject comes up, they either make rude comments or give me dirty looks. It’s like they are somehow inconvenienced by it, which is not the case at all! My husband and I made the decision together to breastfeed, but I seem to take all the heat for it.  I don't want to hurt my family's feelings but I feel this is the best choice for my baby. How do I handle the criticism without fighting with anyone?

 

Let your family know that this is what you and your husband together decided is best for your baby and what you are going to do.  Rather than breastfeeding in their presence and exposing yourself to their negativity, simply leave the room.  Avoid dealing with their disapproval. If there's nowhere else to go, or if they give you dirty looks, simply tell them that you will all agree to disagree. Leave it at that.

My husband is very active in his role as a new dad. The problem is that we disagree all the time on what's best for our little girl. For example, last night she woke up at 3 a.m. and instead of letting her go back to sleep, as I wanted to do, he turned the lights and the TV on and let her play for an hour. How can I do what I feel is right for our baby without discouraging him?

 

The most important thing is to avoid getting into a power struggle with your husband on what is the right thing to do. There are a lot of different opinions people have based on their own experiences and notions. I recommend getting a few baby books and reading up on the best approaches. Suggest to your husband that he read them as well so it's not you telling him what to do, but it's about both of you getting informed on the best way to manage your daughter. You can suggest to him that this way it will be a learning experience for both of you to become the best parents you can be. 

My husband and I are trying to have sex while I am pregnant but my back and my belly are way too big for me to do anything. Do you have any tips that could help us? 

You can try some different positions that might make it more comfortable, but if they aren’t then it is time to resort to tried and true oral or manual sex. Instead of thinking that intercourse is the only way to have intimacy, instead think of mutually satisfying each other and sharing your pleasure together.

 

Right before my fiance proposed, he kept telling me he had this “master plan.” I always expected it to be the proposal based off the hints he gave me. But now that we’re engaged, he tells me he has some other, new “master plan.” I don’t know if he’s planning something for the wedding or wants to start having kids soon. How do I get him to tell me what’s up? He won’t give me any more hints, and I am feeling so anxious about it! 

 

Tell your fiance that you love the fact that he has a master plan, but ask him if it involves you?  if so, is it something where you might need to share your input or considerations? Let him know that while you are eager to hear what his plan is, you also want to be sure it's along the lines of what you want, as well. Unless you think  he knows you well enough that you can be certain you will like whatever it is, it’s important to convey that in big decisions which affect you both, you want to be included.


I'm 11 weeks pregnant now and my fiance and I are really happy! But I'm not sure when to tell my parents, my brother, and my husband's parents. I've had two miscarriages in the past—both after I told my relatives I was pregnant. Our families are coming to visit this week. Should I go ahead and tell them in person, or wait until I'm past the first trimester?

It sounds like you associated telling your relatives you were pregnant with having a miscarriage. Were you as far along then as you are now? You want to try not to associate telling your family the good news with the risk of miscarrying. That said, the general rule is to wait three months before sharing the news because that's typically when the pregnancy is more stable. Even though you want to let them know now, just to play it safe and give you and your fiance a little more time to have your own private excitement, why not wait to get your doctor's clearance that you're on solid ground?  To be honest, this is a very personal decision and if you want to include your family now, then trust that should anything happen, they will be there for you and your fiancé to support you.


My wife’s postpartum depression is really pushing me away. I am trying my best to be there for her and even try to make her laugh and smile. We both feel the postpartum is affecting our marriage. What can we do to fix this?

This is a very challenging experience for your wife, who is a new mom, as well as for you as her husband and a new dad. Has she been to talk to anyone about it? There is treatment for postpartum depression  that can help her - talking and medication, which may be what she needs at this point. When someone is depressed, no matter how hard you try to make them laugh and smile, it's a blockade. You'll get frustrated, and she will be even more distressed.  Postpartum is an extremely painful condition and she need not suffer through it without support. I strongly encourage you to seek professional help and get their opinion. 


My fiance and I have been together for a while now. After about two years, his mother suddenly decided that she doesn't like me because I'm “too shy”. I want the opportunity to explain that it’s because I was bullied a lot growing up. I've now gained the confidence to talked to her, but she won’t meet up with me. I'm struggling to cope and don't know what to do! My fiance and I are going to get married and she is going to become family. Please help.

It's not clear why your mother-in-law won't meet you, especially since you're making an effort to reach out to her. However, since she is being unreceptive to you, why don’t you suggest that you and your fiance talk to her together. She may be more open to a joint meeting, and you can suggest lunch out or dinner in, so you can have the chance to spend time casually while talking about what’s on your mind. Let her know that she may have found you a little reserved initially, but now you’re feeling more at ease and would like to get to know her better. You don’t have to go into your history of being bullied unless she asks you about yourself, because until you know her better, you don’t know if she will use that information against you. So wait until you establish some direct communication with her before sharing a lot of your personal past, instead stick to the present and how you would like to proceed going forward in the future.

My fiancee and I are in our early 40s, and although our sex life is pretty normal, I find that I want it more often than he does. Some of my best girlfriends tell me they’re experiencing the same thing. Is there any way to get him in the mood without coming on too strong?

 

This is a pretty common situation - couples find their levels of desire don't always sync up. One person is in the mood more frequently than their partner. It can be quite frustrating as well as disappointing to the partner who wants intimacy more often. What can be helpful is to talk to each other about your different energy levels. Try to come to an agreed-upon understanding of at least planning to have sex on what feels like a satisfying amount for you. For example, once a week, twice a week - whatever feels acceptable for both parties. Once you can count on making love, you can try a few things to get him in the mood. Think to start the foreplay before you get into bed. Be flirty, wear a sexy nightie, send him dirty text messages. You could even try phone sex before you get home from work. All these behaviors can work toward building anticipation and excitement so that hopefully your partner will be good to go when you’re ready for some action.


My partner and I are adopting a baby together. We have always been open and honest about our pasts, and I have accepted the fact that he did some sketchy things before we met. He swears he has changed (and in my heart I know he has) but he often talks reminisces about that time like it was “the good old days.” It makes me think he regrets becoming more responsible. We’re going to be caring for a child soon. I worry he may grow to resent us both. Is this irrational? 

The good news is that your partner is committed to adopting a baby with you, and you're going forward with your plans together. That said, it sounds like he may be feeling the pressure of this new responsibility of having a child. His thoughts about “the good old days” can be a way to let off steam and think back to when he was more footloose and felt freer. Rather than be afraid he’s going to resent this new phase of life, acknowledge that he seems to be talking about the good old days and ask if he has feelings or anxieties about this new addition to your lives. This will help him feel understood and express any concerns he may be having, so that they don’t build up and lead to resentment on his part.


My mother-in-law is very opinionated. Recently, she saw me pick up my crying newborn and commented that if I continue to do that he is going to become a spoiled brat. Hurt feelings aside, is there any truth to what she’s saying? I’m just trying to comfort my baby! 

 

There are in fact, different views on this, that is in particular usually focused on whether or not to let your baby cry during the night or go in to quiet them down.  Some people take the stance that it’s better to let the baby learn to self-soothe, and others will say it’s better to soothe them rather than leaving them to cry it out. In fact, it is from this comforting behavior on the mom’s part that they learn how to calm themselves down, according to some theorists. The most important thing to keep in mind is that you are  being attentive, caring, and loving to your newborn - not indulgent.

My fiance and I have been in a relationship for 7 years now. We got engaged last November and are getting married this December 30. For as long as I can remember, he has wanted to spend more time with me than his friends. In fact, he’s always been a bit lazy, preferring to watch TV and play video games over going out. But I was okay with it because we were hanging out together. Problem is, ever since we got engaged, he’s changed his tune. Now, all of a sudden, he wants to go out without me more and more often! It feels like he’s having second thoughts about our relationship. When I asked him what’s up, he said he wants to have fun before getting tied down. I’ve never prevented him from having fun, so I don’t even know how to respond to that. But I’m worried he’s going to doing something stupid like cheat on me. What should I do? 

 

Your boyfriend's reaction is not unusual in that, very often, once a man has proposed and is looking at impending marriage, he sometimes starts to feel like it's going to be a restriction on his freedom. He thinks he will miss out on doing whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and there is some truth to this. That being said, marriage requires involvement, consideration, and accountability to one's partner. However, that is true of any relationship. Let your fiance know you understand that this is his last hurrah before getting married, and you want him to enjoy his freedom with his friends. However, you also want to know your relationship is equally if not more important to him. Rather than trying to stop him from going out with his friends, figure out how much time you want to spend with him and schedule those date nights.  At least if you have an evening of together time you can look forward to, and can hang out on occasion as you used to do, it will balance his time off with his friends. It’s important for you to feel considered and that you are a priority just as well as his friends.

I have a four-month-old baby boy. Ever since our son arrived, my husband and I have been having trouble finding time for intimacy, which is so not like us. We were sexually active right up until my 9th month!! But now, the tiredness is no joke. Not knowing what else to do, I confided in a friend about our struggle, and she told me  she’s heard scheduling intimacy really helps. Do you have any tips for us? I don’t want to lose our physical connection. 

Babies are exhausting and deplete everyone's energy. Sex requires energy! While it's great you and your husband still desire each other and want to be intimate, your baby has leveled the playing field of your energy.  Look to schedule Spontaneous Sex, whereby you make a plan for when you can be together. Maybe when the babysitter is there, or when the baby is sleeping. Find time to have uninterrupted intimacy. By planning a time, rather than thinking it will just occur, you can look forward to and anticipate it. This will help to  spike your mental energy, which in turn can ignite your physical energy when it's time for some loving.


I am 25 and expecting my boyfriend’s baby. I love this guy, but am getting really tired of how insecure he is. He is very jealous, and is always accusing me of wanting to break up with him or find another man. I thought maybe this was his way of telling me he wanted to break things off with me, but when I confronted him, he said he would never do that to me. I’m confused and sick of the games. All I want to do right now is focus on what’s best for my child. What kind of advice can you give me?

Was your boyfriend always jealous, or has his insecurity heightened since you got pregnant? If he's always been this way, ask what would make him trust you? Does he need to flirt with you more? Does he find you flirtatious with other guys and feels threatened? Does he need to spend more time with you? If this is a result of the pregnancy, he may have feelings of jealousy around sharing your attention with the baby. He may not feel secure that he will come first to you. Ask him about the baby. See if he's worried about getting his fair share of attention from you. Reassure him that he's as important to you as ever, and you'll plan your time together so he continues to feel that way. One consideration for you is this: Is your boyfriend accusatory and trying to control your involvement with other people and activities you're doing? If this is happening, then I would encourage you to talk to a counselor so you can get some support and guidance in putting limits in place to deal with some of his demands, so you don't wind up feeling overpowered by him.

Submit your questions here to be featured on air!

Questions for Dr. Jane Greer

© 2020 Dr. Jane Greer

  • White Facebook Icon
  • White Twitter Icon